For a couple months now I have been giving my brain 10 to 15 minutes a day to be as anxious as it wants (which is very anxious as I have generalized anxiety disorder.) To obsess and dwell over things whether I said them 20 years or 20 minutes ago. To freak out and panic and be certain I’m screwing everything up. To know that I am stupid, unwanted, and unloved. To bask in the certainty that everything I do is worthless.

All this is bullshit of course but these thoughts used to consume the vast majority of my waking hours. I cannot purge them entirely, so instead I give them space.

When I have intrusively anxious thoughts during the rest of the day I tell them “you have to wait your time.” Does this always work? Haha. No. But in the last few weeks I am finding that it is working more often. Or at least better than medication ever did for me… but please take your meds, I’m not disparaging you for needing them!

Giving myself time to process the “unwanted” side of my brain has become as central to my life as the 10-15 minutes of prayer and gratitude that followed it (though I do not restrict my grateful thoughts in the same way I tell off my anxiety for being obnoxious.) Instead of fighting my shadow self, I’ve decided to work with it.

It feels good? Or at least a whole lot more intentional. Like the whole *I* am the captain of this body, not just a mutiny staged by the anxiety mob. I still have days of course. Everyone does.

I just thought I’d share because I’m proud of myself AND I still have so much more work to do. It is so easy to think of the people you only know on social media as perfect.

We are imperfect beings in an imperfect world trying to find the balance between the light and work of day and our desire to dance in starlight.

Love,
Kira