Grief is a weird thing.

It is anger and sadness and hope and love and hate and frustration and inactivity and desperation for distraction all rolled into one.

It isn’t just sadness. It isn’t just I’m sorry this happened so now it is time to move on. The world around you might move on but you do not. You often might learn to live with it, and over time the intensity of it’s first burning emptiness fades, for the most part, but loss weaves itself into part of the fabric of your being.

At least that is how it has been for me. Six years ago I was standing in my living room with my best friend when I found out that the police had found the body of my first husband at the bottom of a ravine. He had jumped from the bridge over it, taking his own life.

Six years. Rest in peace Michael.

If you or someone you know needs help please contact the National Suicide Prevention Helpline. It is okay to not be okay.